Trailers by Brandon: Somebody has to do SOMETHING to stop Disney

Trailers

It’s a bunch of trailers for Disney remakes as far as the eye can see this week, and we’re really not all that impressed.

We agree, Reverend Toller. We agree.

This week’s Trailers by Brandon has everything from Mulan and Maleficent trailers to new releases like Crawl and Stuber that are releasing wide. Yeah, we’ve got Dora the Lost City of Gold to talk about too, but the less said about that, the better.

Opening this week:

Crawl

Crawl is a movie I’ve been looking forward to for a while now. I’m not fooling myself into thinking this will be anything above a three-star picture or anything, but the trailers have all sold me on this really fun, really intense killer crocodile movie — a genre which, frankly, we could use more of (as long as they’re not coming from the Syfy Channel, that is).

Stuber

If I’m being completely, totally honest, I had the chance to see an advanced screening of Stuber a couple of weeks ago and I opted against it (to be fair, I was really tired that night and probably would have gone if it was on a different day). I want to believe in the chemistry between Kumail Nanjiani and Dave Bautista, I really do, but the trailers haven’t convinced me this story is going to be anything even slightly notable. Give it three years and you’ll find this in the $5 bin at Walmart.

The Farewell

The Farewell, on the other hand, is something I desperately, desperately want to see. It’s going to take a few weeks to expand out of New York and Los Angeles, I realize, but I’ll be there waiting for it when it finally does.

The Art of Self-Defense

Then there’s The Art of Self-Defense, which I thought looked kind of funny based on the trailers and am now hearing that it’s not only humorous, but also just really, really good in general. Sounds like this might be a surprise sleeper hit that you’re going to want to check out.

New trailers:

The Divine Fury (Aug. 16, 2019)

Yes. You read this correctly. A movie about a martial arts champion who gets possessed by a demon and then somehow becomes Jesus (??????) is what’s taking the number one spot this week. This movie probably won’t be great, I know, but this is the movie I would see first out of all the trailers released in the past seven days — how can you not be at least A LITTLE curious what The Divine Fury will contain when hearing that logline?

The Great Hack (July 24, 2019)

The irony that a Netflix documentary about data sharing, targeted advertisements and major corporations’ misdeeds is not lost on me. That being said, there is a TON to explore there, and it all has the potential to be really, really interesting. I’m not familiar with the filmmakers behind The Great Hack so I don’t know how far they’ll go/what biases will be there, but the general concept alone has enough to make me want to dive into this thing head-first.

Mulan (March 27, 2020)

That awkward feeling of when you’re sick of Disney oversaturated the market but still want to admit this is a good trailer. I like the tone, vibe and authenticity that they’re approaching Mulan with. They’re very clearly trying to portray it as a historical epic (we don’t need talking dragons or musical numbers in this version, which is how I’d want it to be done. Now, I have seen a few articles about written by those of Asian descent who still feel this is a westernized version and that definitely ain’t great and could contradict everything this movie is standing for if that turns out to be the case..

While I’ll wait for the actual film to be released to cast my final judgment, I still can’t say I’m enthused as to how Disney is handling their world domination over the box-office when looking at all these remakes and pretty generic superhero movies (Avengers: Endgame is great, but Spider-Man: Far From Home is as dull as they come). That being said, I’ll admit that I was expecting a whole lot worse when I heard they were re-doing Mulan, so I’ll give this a chance.

Judy (Sept. 27, 2019)

René Zellweger is clearly going for another Oscar here with Judy and, for all I know, she might get it. Pretty hard to say at this point when I haven’t seen Judy yet, along with the fact that we still got 5.5 more months of movies. Either way, there’s plenty of mileage to explore with a Judy Garland biopic, meaning this movie has the potential to be fascinating. The trailers seem to indicate they might be taking it in that dark route (the teaser left me with that impression more so than this one), but we’ll have to wait and see what they do with it.

Ode to Joy (Aug. 9, 2019)

This looks…cute? I think? At least the romantic-comedy parts do — not sure if the whole disability part of Ode to Joy is going to play in some crowds. Still, there’s an idea here for a light film here, and this doesn’t seem to look half bad.

Otherhood (Aug. 2, 2019) 

Otherhood falls into that category of movies that my mom or grandmother would probably really enjoy. I won’t deny that there’s a really talented cast here — Angela Bassett, Patricia Arquette and Felicity Huffman are all great, and this trailer does have some charm to it — but it’s still not jumping onto my ‘must watch’ list anytime soon.

The Operative (2019)

There’s always a couple of trailers for generic looking spy movies scattered throughout every month, and it looks like The Operative is wearing that badge with pride. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — I wouldn’t hate myself for watching this movie, might not even mind it, really, but there’s nothing in this footage that’s selling me on seeking it out to find it. Give it two weeks and I (and most of everyone else) will have forgotten this thing even existed.

Secret Obsession (July 18, 2019)

Secret Obsession starts off looking like another dumb, John Sparks melodrama. Right up until the point where it takes that horror twist, that is, which is when it starts to get interesting. Bad news is that it only stays interesting for a good thirty seconds before you realize that, even with that pull of the rug, you’ve still seen this thriller many, many times before. Nice try, Netflix, but you’re not fooling me with this one.

Maleficent: Mistress of Evil (Oct. 18, 2019)

Disney. Guys. You’ve got to stop. Look, I was somewhat impressed by the Mulan trailers too, but this…this is too much. Enough sequels. Enough live-action remakes (no, the trailers for The Lion King don’t have me all too excited). Aladdin, Dumbo — these movies aren’t that good, fellas. Maleficent: Mistress of Evil is just more of the same and, to tell you the truth, I’m starting to get real sick of it.

Dora and the Lost City of Gold (Aug. 9, 2019)

I’ve said it for every one of these trailers they’ve released for this dumb Dora movie — I want to hate it with every fiber of my being, but there’s always ONE joke that gets a chuckle out of me. I hate to admit it, but Michael Peña’s line delivery at the beginning here got me. Of course, the rest of this just looks….it looks like it’s not for me. I don’t know, maybe there’s a generation or demographic out there who will really appreciate this Tomb Raider take on Dora (can we talk about how funny that fox looks?!?!), but that’s definitely not me as I wanted to claw my eyeballs out at the end here with that terrible, terrible fart joke.

Hot Air (Aug. 23, 2019)

This is weird, right? Like, really weird? I honestly can’t tell what they’re going for here. I’d like to think Neve Campbell, Steve Coogan and the rest of the cast are all smart human beings who didn’t want to star in a movie that humanizes the #MAGA crowd — maybe something went wrong in the script or the editing room or something? Maybe these trailers aren’t showing us what the real message of the film is? I don’t know, but I’m also not about to watch this to find out.

Rewind:

Deep Rising (1998)

I don’t have any great giant crocodile movies to recommend, so I’m going to recommend a giant squid movie instead. From director Steven Soderbergh, Deep Rising is everything you enjoyed about the first two Brendan Fraser films with none of the baggage that comes with The Scorpion King or Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. It’s just plain, schlocky fun.

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Brandon Schreur

The fella over there with the hella good hair. Movies and TV are my jam, and the fact that I get to write about them on a regular basis is the bees knees.

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