Trailers by Brandon: Consider me spooked by 'Scary Stories'

Trailers

After all those mini-trailers for Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark aired during the Super Bowl, we finally have our first full glimpse of the movie — and it’s pretty creepy, too. We’ve also got Dumbo and The Beach Bum opening in theaters to talk about during this week’s Trailers by Brandon.

Opening this week:

Dumbo

I have no shame in admitting the fact that I got choked up a time or two watching the trailers for Dumbo. Granted, I’m not necessarily convinced this movie is going to be a home-run, but the look on that elephant’s face, man. It gets me. As for the rest of the film, Disney’s live-action outings have been pretty hit or miss (Cinderella and The Jungle Book being some of the better ones while the less said about Maleficent and Alice in Wonderland, the better). I can’t say, yet, where Dumbo will fall, but Tim Burton’s involvement has my interest peaked.

The Beach Bum

For whatever reason, the trailers for The Beach Bum just aren’t doing it for me. They all revolve around the idea of Matthew McConaughey being this drugged out hippie….and, like, I think I’m good on that front? Like, that seems like it could be entertaining for five or ten minutes but not for much longer than that. Granted, Harmony Korine made a similar premise work in Spring Breakers and a lot of people like that movie (I haven’t actually seen it, myself), but I just can’t bring myself to see this one in a theater.

New trailers:

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (Aug. 9, 2019)

I was already on board just by the quick glimpses we got in those TV spots but, now, I’m really looking forward to this one. We still don’t know a whole lot about the plot, which I’m perfectly fine with because this trailer boasts enough creepy imagery to have me sold on it.

Unicorn Store (April 5, 2019)

I’m only a little concerned about Unicorn Store just because I remember seeing trailers for this movie, like, two years ago, which means it likely got shelved for whatever reason (having it go straight to Netflix isn’t necessarily a great sign, either), but I’m still all for the directorial debut of Brie Larson and am going to check it out nonetheless. Of course, having her re-team with Samuel Jackson after the success they both had in Captain Marvel doesn’t hurt, either.

Mary Magdalene (April 12, 2019)

Just like Unicorn Store, I remember seeing trailers for Mary Magdalene a long, long time ago, which means it was likely shelved for whatever reason. This reason might be a little more obvious, given the subject matter and all, but I’m not sure whether or not that means it’ll actually be a good movie. Sure, casting Joaquin Phoenix as Jesus is a bold move and Rooney Mara is always good, but is there anyone out there who’s, like, dying to see this movie? Or even something remotely close to that? No? Okay.

The Silence (April 12, 2019)

So, Netflix has remade Bird Box, A Quiet Place and The Birds all in one movie this time, put Stanley Tucci and the star of Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (I made it to episode five and couldn’t take it anymore) in there and is now probably going to shove it down all of our throats. Great. I mean, not great, but whatever. Also, go watch Martin Scorsese's Silence instead, which is guaranteed to be a better film.

The Perfect Date (April 12, 2019)

Another Netflix film looking to capitalize on a certain market, this time in the realm of romantic comedies. I’ve been told some of their past outings aren’t bad — apparently To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before is this great movie or whatever — but, like, have you ever seen so many clichés in one single trailer? I really don’t think I have and, as a result, I really don’t think I care about this movie.

The Tomorrow Man (May 22, 2019)

Old people falling in love really needs to be it’s own genre, at this point — a genre which, if I’m being honest, I don’t care all to much about. Sure, John Lithgow can be good in movies (except when he’s staring in Pitch Perfect 3, that is), but this just isn’t for me.

The Angry Birds Movie 2 (Aug. 16, 2019)

If they just want to stop releasing trailers and pull this movie from its schedule altogether, you won’t hear me complaining. They won’t, of course, given how much money the first Angry Birds movie made, but it really kind of bothers me how lazy and unapologetically bad these things look.

Dora and the Lost City of Gold (Aug. 2, 2019)

Then we come to Dora and the Lost City of Gold — and, look, this film was obviously not made with my kind of audience in mind, and I’m perfectly fine with that. Let the little kids have their Dora movie, for all I care. My question, though, is why they’re trying to market this thing as the next Tomb Raider. Like, the monkey isn’t even wearing boots, because I guess they thought that would be too cartoonish? Do they really think anyone over the age of five is going to check out this movie anyway? Who — like, really, WHO — is this movie supposed to be for?

Rewind:

Lilo & Stitch (2002)

Just because Dumbo is in theaters this weekend, which is a live-action remake of a Disney animated film and Lilo & Stitch is one of Disney’s most underrated animated films to date. That being said, I really don’t want them to touch this in a live-action remake (I know, I know, it’s bound to happen eventually), but I just really like the charm and heart the OG film has.

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Brandon Schreur

The fella over there with the hella good hair. Movies and TV are my jam, and the fact that I get to write about them on a regular basis is the bees knees.